Sunday, December 16, 2007

If I Could Turn Back Time . . .

When I was visiting with my ophthalmologist the other day, we discussed my fairly frequent migraine headaches.

"You know," he said sincerely, "you really probably shouldn't have had your kids so close together. It really takes a toll on your essential oils."

Well, if I had a dollar for every doctor who has told me that, I would be rich!

Well, three dollars richer, anyway. But still.

I keep wondering, what good does this advice do me now? I can't magically get rid of one of my kids. Not that I would want to, of course. So why say it?

It's a little bit like the students who would come to me at the end of the term with a 27% in the class.

"So, um . . . I was wondering if there was, like, anything that I could, like, DO to bring my grade up." This was usually accompanied by a lot of looking off into space or fiddling with the paper clips that I kept in my scented candle, since I wasn't allowed to actually burn the candle. Apparently a guano filled building can go up in flames instantly. On the plus side, I had the nicest smelling paper clips in the school.

I usually tried to be kind but firm. I explained that it was too late to change the past, but they could always work on next term.

One of my more sarcastic teacher friends would handle these special students this way:

"Oh, yes!" he would say.

The student would brighten instantly, envisioning making up a whole quarter of missed work by making a poster on Beethoven's life.

"Oh, good," the student would say, "Because my mom is going to kill me. What do I have to do?"

"Well," my friend would say cheerfully, "you need to go home." (The student would nod feverishly in agreement.)

"And build a time machine." (The student would look slightly confused.)

"And then set your time machine to the first day of this quarter and then you need to do all of your work when it was assigned." My friend would bestow the student with a beatific smile, as if he were giving really good advice.

"YOU SUCK!" was I think the most popular student response. High schoolers have really great comebacks. Their repartee skills are highly developed and not to be trifled with.

Alas, I'm a little bit past the stage where "YOU SUCK!" is an appropriate response for my doctors. But I will wait for a while to have my next baby. Not because of their advice, though. Just because I don't think my sanity will allow me to have another one any time soon. Those doctors aren't the boss of ME!


Leisha said...

Well, I say anyone who has kids as cute as yours should definitely have MORE (but do salvage those essential oils!) Spencer was my only kid to sing 'Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam' in nursery today (loud and proud, I loved it!) and I must say that his boots were too cute! Where did you get them?

Celia and Scott said...

Heidi, if I had three small kids like you, I don't think I would have any sanity or brain cells left to be as clever as you are on your blog. I can barely handle my two tykes.

Seriously, some days I feel like taking a page out of Rhett's book and tossing back a few "PMs" (as Grandma Hazel used to call them; it's important to note, however, that she'd always accompany them with a few allergy pills too), climb in my bed, and bid sweet adieu to my crazy life for just a few short hours.

Point is, keep 'em comin' and please send me those three doctors' addresses and I'll send them a slightly more sophisticated version of "YOU SUCK!"

Jen said...

Essential oils Shmessential shmoils.

The real secret to keeping balance is eating tuna once a week and as much guacamole as you want. I learned this from a book on depression when I had baby blues after Grace pie.

And I love the word beatific.

Jenny said...

my doctor thinks i'm a little nuts, but she's never told me i should wait to have another kid. well, not in those exact words. she has said that she spread her 6 out over 16 years, and that i didn't HAVE to have mine so quickly. i just tell her i want a large family, to which she replies, "how large?" 8 is what i'm thinking, so maybe i am a little nuts.

btw - how far apart ARE you kids? mine are 21 months, 18 months, and 21 months apart.