Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Aaaand . . . Scene

So. I had this baby, and let me tell you he is delicious. Also a fabulous sleeper, eater and every other desirable quality in a six-day old. We named him Caleb. Boys names are getting harder and harder for us to find, not only because we have so many boys ourselves, but also because I have dozens of nephews. Every time we would go through the baby name book, invariably I would say, "Oh, I love that name." And Rhett would say, "Yeah, and so does your sister because, remember, you have a nephew named that?" Oh, right.

Anyway. Caleb is a doll. I don't want to brag or anything, but some of y'all have awesome cooking skills, or amazing decorating skills, or whatever. I used to think I didn't really have any skills that were useful in the homemaking arena, but people--I have a gift with babies. Here are some of my secrets:

1. If you and that baby are sleeping at the same time, baby will sleep better on your chest. You might not be able to sleep very well, in which case I have to mention that you can sleep really well in uncomfortable positions if you add a Percocet or two to the mix. Some people (ahem, lady in my ward who scolded me for extended period of time on this topic) say that this is dangerous, but if you've had a C-section, you can't really even scratch your nose without deliberate movement planning, so it's not like you're going to roll over your baby. At least not without thinking about it first.

2. Burping. Don't underestimate the importance of good burp performance. If you're having problems getting a burp, try lifting your baby up (under the armpits) and slowly raising them up and down three times. Then burp again. This always works for me, so if it doesn't work for you, you're probably defective. Kidding! Sort of.

3. Breastfeeding/bottlefeeding/pumping. I have a lot of experience in almost all of these categories due to wacky genetic conditions. Anyway. Do what you have to in order for your baby to eat. If that means pumping, great. If that means bottlefeeding, okay. If your baby is getting fatter, you are doing it right. I've personally kept lactation specialists in business in an attempt to get the latch right when it turned out it wasn't the latch at all. So then I end up pumping, which is inconvenient but works. Also, a little Percocet taken before breastfeeding? Totally helps you push through the initial latch pain. I'm just saying.

4. Have awesome babies. My mom swears that some of why my babies are paragons is because I hold them almost constantly, sleep with them on my chest, and spoil them miserably (I don't believe you can spoil a baby, by the way). But to be honest, I think it's more genetic. I don't have babies with tummy problems, which makes a big difference. But if you have to listen to your baby cry all night long because of colic? You know the answer here--Percocet.

In review, the secret to post-partum joy and happiness is clearly Percocet. And that darling baby, of course.