Tuesday, October 23, 2007

If I were a . . .

If I were a doctor, I'd be a really crappy one. Because the sight of blood makes me sick, and also, I'm just not that sympathetic. I probably would diagnose half my clientele with hypochondria. Really. When Rhett stays home from work sick it makes me so mad that he lays in bed all day that he forces himself to get up so that I won't keep coming into the room, glaring, sighing loudly, banging things, etc. Poor baby.

If I were a dentist, I'm pretty sure that I'd get bitten a lot. Because I think I bit the heck out of Dr. Joe, my pediatric dentist, and there is poetic justice. Oh yes, there is.

If I were a zookeeper, I'm pretty sure that I'd play favorites. You know, keep the big gorilla from bullying the others (I'm aware that I would forfeit my life if I tried to PHYSICALLY force him not to, but hello! that's why we have shock collars! It's time those bully animals learn what it feels like!) I've always had a thing about underdogs and sticking up for the weakest link.

If I were a piece of punctuation, I'd choose to be the semi-colon. Because, you know, it's pretty powerful, being able to link two sentences together without any help. And plus, it doesn't get used that much, and I'm kind of lazy that way.

If I were a construction worker, I'm pretty sure they'd make me just hold the slow/stop sign. Because, again, I'm kind of lazy that way. And you know what? I'd bring treats, drinks, books to read, and a chair to sit in. No one said you have to STAND to do that job. And if they tried to make me stand, I'd quit. Because you can't push around this slow/stop sign girl like that. Oh no, you can't.

If I were a businesswoman, I'd make sure that I wore bookish looking glasses all the time, even though my vision is 20/20. Just so people would take me seriously. And because you can give better dirty looks when you're wearing glasses.

Wow. I'm really glad I'm not any of those things, because my house desperately needs cleaning, and you know me: I wouldn't miss that bit of fun for the world.


Amy said...

so creative! where do you come up with these ideas? brilliant I say brilliant!

Celia and Scott said...

I think you would make a very efficient businesswoman (similar to as your are as a housekeeper) but I would not like you to be my superior. I think you would make your "inferiors" feel very inferior. I think you would probably tell them things like, "Your presentation was crappy," "your memo had a lot of typos," or "your proposal had some serious information gaps and was totally void of any intelligence and what the heck are you even doing in the business world anyway?"

So that is why I would not like to be your "inferior" if you were a businesswoman.

If you were a zookeeper, however, I'd join you because I've always thought that one day gorillas would get a taste of their own medicine and come to think of it, I'd like to be the one to give it to them.

Heidi said...

Yes, that's true. I would say things like that. Because like Simon Cowell says, it's more humane to tell people how crappy they are up front so it won't be a surprise later on.

By the way, I don't think you are crappy, Cels.

Adrienne said...

If I were a mom, I would never yell at my kids. i wouldn't let my kids watch t.v. because I would be filling their days with stimulation like trips to a museum, reading books, and scripture study. And I would never spend endless amounts of time blogging while simultaneously watching trashy television.

Oh wait....I am a mom. I should have stuck with the hypotheticals because now I feel like crap! :)

Sibri said...

Heid, you are all those things and more!

Leisha said...

I would totally be a semi-colon and wear bookish glasses too! I never even realized....!!

Celia and Scott said...

Thank you Heidi. Let me know when you want to start up our own zoo.

monkie mama said...

All I can say is: Ha! ha! ha! ha! *snort* ha! ha!!! *GASP* Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

I think now I have to check out Celia's blog, cause she's pretty stinkin' funny too!

Melissa Bastow said...

I like your idea of glaring over your glasses - I would like to do that too. But I think I would like to be a librarian so that while I'm glaring I could walk up behind people and shush them loudly enough that I simultaneously spit. I would also make sure that I was close enough to these people so that my spit would give them a good misting, because they wouldn't be able to make a big deal out of it, because that would be loud, and I'm the librarian and I am shushing and glaring. Such control with only glasses and saliva.