Sunday, January 27, 2008


So, here's how the dishwasher incident would have gone down, if not for the unforeseen incident which I will discuss later.

I enjoyed all the ideas and comments so much, and I really felt like I had a whole zone defense going. Keep in mind, as I throw out sports terminology during this post that I have no idea what I'm talking about. Seriously. And don't worry that I'm one-hundred percent going to mix football metaphors and basketball metaphors. I'm like that.

I come home from grocery shopping. Rhett is blissfully feeding the children, who are blissfully eating the food (cold hot dogs) that he has given them. There's a lot of bliss. I cross to the dishwasher and open it up. I act surprised when it overextends its proper sphere by five degrees.

"How did this happen?" I look at Rhett accusingly. This is straight Mandy-technique. Because I'm pretty sure the best defense is a good offense.

"What are you talking about?" He doesn't even look up from feeding Wristy squash.

"THIS!" I point dramatically (because if you're going to gesture, you might as well gesture dramatically).

His eyebrows shoot up. "NO ONE has been near the dishwasher." His confidence is supreme. He knows that this didn't happen on his watch. But dear readers, you have equipped me well. I switch to man-to-man defense.

"Oh, maybe it happened when Spe climbed on the dishwasher. But, in my defense . . ."

"YOU LET HIM CLIMB ON THE DISHWASHER?" Rhett knows how to sack the quarterback before he can get a pass off. But don't worry. I pop right back up after I take a licking.

I wave his comment away, and then say, "In my defense, I think this comes from your side of the family . . . you know, this destructive behavior." A big thank you to Jill for this personal-attack technique.

Rhett's eyebrows shoot so high I can't tell where eyebrow ends and hairline begins.

"Really? This coming from the woman who at the age of twelve tore her wallpaper down in a fit of rage?" Whoa, where's all this unsportsmanlike conduct coming from? Total penalty!

I don't generally stoop to his level. "Oh, right! You seem to have forgotten the time that you popped the tops off all of your father's apple cider jars, completely destroying his two-year supply of fruit juice!" I said generally, right? Obviously this wasn't one of those times. There are technical fouls flying all over the place. But don't worry, the kids are still blissfully eating cold hot dogs.

"Heids, why did you let him do that?" There it is, people. I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming.

"Oh, fine!" I say with the air of a martyr. "I was upstairs, watching Dynasty and eating bon-bons and I just couldn't be worried about the fate of our dishwasher when Joan Collins was on the tube." (Thanks, Jen!) I just might have been a little bit sarcastic, too. I sometimes am.

Rhett rolls his eyes, before pulling his own martyr bit, making a big show of examining the dishwasher and sighing loudly at how broken it actually is. I make a big show of pretending that I don't hear him.

So, that's what would have happened, if for some bizarre-freak-of-nature-heretofore unprecedented-reason Rhett decided to log onto my blog without any prompting. Previously, I've had to be all, "Read my blog, Rhett." And he'd be all like, "Did you write about me?" And I'd be like, "No, I wrote about myself, as usual." And then he would be all uninterested, and then I'd read it out loud to him to force him to hear me talk about myself.

So when I did my whole, "WHOA! How'd this happen?" Rhett looked up calmly and said, "I read your blog. I've already fixed it. It took like two seconds and it wasn't that big of a deal."

I wish I would have examined the dishwasher more closely before I started the whole drama. Because he's right. He fixed it.

But I like my version better.


Celia and Scott said...

Once again, laugh out loud funny.

I love the sports terminology, by the way.

Also, Scott RARELY reads our blog. The only time he reads it is when I cunningly leave the computer on at night before he gets on, with our blog up, just waiting to be discovered. Like I talk about myself to his face -- he's got to hear it somehow, right?

Sarah Anne said...

This is so funny.

Who would have thought that he would have approached with a sneak-attack?


I wish we were neighbors.

Heidi said...

Sarah--Rhett wants me to tell you it's called a "flea flicker"

And I wish we were neighbors, too.

Jen said...

I liked your version better, too.

And I wish we were neighbors, too.

And what a good husband you have. Almost as good as my own personal toilet-installer extraordinaire.

Amy said...


JustRandi said...

That's pretty funny! Score 1 for Rhett.

Texas Mommy said...

Thats funny. James reads my blog, so I couldn't have used any suggestions anyway with out him already knowing whats going on.

Adrienne said...

(this is your cousin-noticed you have two Adrienne fan's)....Heidi, this was laugh out loud funny! Seriously, Jim just has this puzzled look on his face as I sit behind the lap top, literally guffawing.

That's really is. And for the record, Jim doesn't read my blog either. People will reference it to him, and still he doesn't check it (like my birthday ode to him). i guess he hears me talk enough without having to read me talking too!

monkie mama said...

Too funny! I thought I was the only crazy one who has dramatic arguments with her husband in her head! Yours was sooo good--way to incorporate all of the suggestions. But I really do like Rhett's version better. It's much more peaceful and "love at home"-ish.

I wrote a birthday tribute to Chris yesterday and all casual-like said, "hey, could you read the ol' blog? I'd like to run a post by you."

He says, "does it have to be tonight?"

Me: "Uh, YES!"

He looked ornery about it but did it anyways. I got a big HUG for it. It pays to check boys!

Leisha said...

I'm totally using the bon-bon Joan Collins line!

I'm glad we ARE neighbors. I need to stop being so self-involved and be more neighborly!

Valerie said...

Hillarious! I love all the drama.

Bryner Family said...

You crack me up. Thank you for always providing a bit of laughter at the end of a stressful day! :) I REALLY liked the way you handled the argument (in your head). I can't believe he'd go behind your back and read your blog! Ugh, men! :)

Mandy said...

LOL! Cracking me up and thanks for including me in your attempts to point blame. I always try to master this one to the best of my ability.

Oh thank you over and over for the laughs, you made my day.