Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Minivan and You

The Minivan. Gosh, is that the iconic symbol of stay-at-home-mommying or what? Every mom who's any mom has one. They make life easier and some of them even have self-opening doors! Wow! And built in DVD players, because American kids are totally not watching enough TV! Some of them have like twenty cup holders, and some of them have swivelly seats so that your kids can play card games while you drive them around town (and I'm not going to confess that I jealously lusted after those when I first saw them, because hello! SO LAME to lust after anything on a minivan.)!

I guess I have a lot of free time on my hands, because I've made up a personality test that gauges your relationship with your minivan. Because let's be honest, there is a relationship there. Whether it's love, hate, convenience, or pragmatism that's keeping the two of you together, you are together for a reason. Even if it's just for the sake of the children.

1) Did you purchase your minivan after your:
a) first child
b) second child
c) third child
d) none of the above because a minivan is SO LAME!

2) Would you say:
a) I can't get enough of my minivan! You guys, it totally rocks having one! It's made life so much easier! I LOVE changing diapers in it! I LOVE how I can keep like seventeen sippy cups in there! Awesome!
b) You guys, I didn't want a minivan at first, but then I saw that everyone at my church had one, and I started realizing that maybe I could still be popular whilst driving a minivan.
c) I always hated minivans, but then when I popped out three kids in four years (no bitterness, though! Love the little tykes EVERY DAY!) it kind of made my likes and dislikes a moot point. Also a moot point? My love for sleeping in.
d) This is possibly the lamest post Heidi has ever done because, seriously, minivans?

3) Your minivan is:
a) Always clean! Because really, I love it THAT much!
b) Lived in. It's not filthy, because ew, gross! but you might find a French fry under the seat if you're really hungry. Seriously, just eat it, because French fries have like ten-year long preservatives. It will still be good in 2018.
c) Gross. Because why take care of crap?
d) Do we have to talk about minivans?

4) When you see someone you know while you are driving your minivan, you:
a) Smile and wave! And then you point to your DVD player to point out that your baby is watching Baby Mozart while you drive and isn't he going to be smarter than their kids?! And shouldn't they know?
b) Wave. You're not even thinking about the minivan. You're thinking about how you are five minutes late to pick up your kid from preschool.
c) Duck or pretend like you don't see them. The shame and the horror of driving the mini is a little too much for you. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It's like Ozymandias all over.
d) Do whatever I feel like, because I'm not driving a minivan. I'm driving a Honda Accord with a sunroof.

5) When you go to put your kids in the minivan, it takes you:
a) All of one minute! I just hit the remote door opener, and my kids hop in and buckle themselves in. Because that's our routine, and the minivan is so awesome my kids are happy to get in!
b) A serious round of negotiation, wherein you resort to bribery (candy/gum) and the promise that if they'll just buckle themselves in you'll take them swimming (which you were planning on doing anyway).
c) A serious wrestling match. Because why do these kids always want to play with all the knobs on the minivan? And why is it so easy for them to get up front? There's a reason for a barrier of seats between the front and the back, people.
d) Seriously. Let's be done. I'm losing my desire to procreate by reading this stupid post.

Hey! That was fun! Wasn't it? Okay, tally it up!

Give yourself ONE point for every A you answered.

Give yourself TWO points for every B you answered.

Give yourself THREE points for every C you answered.

And give yourself FOUR points for every D you answered. (And seriously, how about an attitude adjustment, okay, Grumpy Pants?)

5-8 POINTS: Hey, how about you take mothering a little less seriously, okay? Because seriously, you are headed for a life of room mothering and competitive pageants for infants.

But don't be mad if you scored in this range, because we have a lot in common (except for a grasp on reality)! See, I'm the room mother for my preschooler and WOW! I'm SO LUCKY! THANKS FOR ASKING ME!

9-13 POINTS: You're grounded as a mom. You realize that you're not perfect and you're not going to pretend you are. However, you try to do your best by your kids, even if that means driving a sweet minivan.

14-17 POINTS: Are you sure you should have children? I'm just saying. Not as a harsh judgment, just like a friend who's judging you. Probably behind your back, too. But you're obviously over caring.

18-20 POINTS: Right, I get it. I suck. Minivans suck. The whole world sucks. And now, since you're so much fun to be around, maybe you should put in an application at DisneyWorld? Because you'd add a lot to the Happiest Place on Earth.


Veronica @Toddled Dredge said...

I am pregnant with baby #4 and we still can't afford a minivan. We have been driving our three girls in the back of the family sedan, and now we are moving up to my parents' old full-size van. It's awful, but it's free.

turtle said...

you said "Ozymandias"

and I laauuuuughed

Bryner Family said...

Wow, I really enjoyed the quiz. I haven't taken such a deep and important quiz that really gets to the nitty gritty reasons of why I actually have a minivan. Just kidding, but you're hilarious and luckily my score was in the good zone. :) Whew!

Cynthia said...

When I see someone I know, I smile and wave really big and point to my young teenage daughters who are ducking and hiding because they are horrified to the core that their mom still drives them around in a minivan. For that very reason, I will drive one until all my kids are gone. Then I'll get something really cool.

Jill said...

I scored 13.

We had a mini van, bought it right before we had #3.

When I was growing up, my aunt and uncle had the ugliest station wagon you had ever seen. My uncle would always pick the kids up from Jr. High, and honk and wave at all of their friends while they tried to hide on the rusted out floor of the car.

It was at that point that I vowed to never own a station wagon.

I liked my van. It had a killer sound system. We would drive down the highway rocking to Bohemian Rhapsody, with my three little kids "head banging" to the music.

Yes, people stared.

Good times.

Lisa said...

Okay so then I am DOUBLE LAME because my dream car is a minivan... We dont ahvea car right now and when we do get one I am sure hubby will put his foot down on the NO MINIVAN rule but until then I can dream :)

Anonymous said...

My answers:
1. D
2. D
3. C
4. D (But it's a Honda Pilot-no sunroof though)
5. D (Already lost the desire to procreate after our second kid.

As a defender of all things not minivan I would like to point out that our SUV gets relatively the same gas mileage and has a DVD player. Some advantages are all wheel drive and all terrain tires.

Share my answers with Rhett as he already knows my feelings on the subject. (Please have him email me as well).


Andrea Hardman said...

Wow, who knew minivans could stir up such a commotion?! I sense some very strong feelings in these comments and it makes me wonder if I've really gotten in touch with my inner self enough. Cuz, really, I don't have all these strong emotions about my ride.

Heather of the EO said...

You're hilarious.
Am I the lamest ever if I don't have a minivan because I'm trying really hard not to have one and pretending I think they're stupid when really I secretly want one for convenience?
Yup, the lamestestest.

AMY said...

Ok that was funny I scored an 8...I always have taken life too seriously know me!

I really only had a minivan for less then a year because we only have one kid and gas was out the sunroof. Anyway, I liked it even though I only had one door, it wasn't automatice and it was made when I started high school.

Good times. Minivans have gotten sooooo much cooler in the past few years.

great post especially about the baby mozart in the dvd player classic!

Julia said...

fabulous quiz ...

I scored a 10 ... it seemed like you read my mind or peeked inside my miniv with those B answers :)

Melissa Bastow said...

I scored 12. And sadly, my minivan doesn't have automatic doors, or a built in DVD player, or the stow-n-go seating, OR the cool swivel seats with the pop-up table for card games or easy meal eating or just for that fact that it has a cool po-up table in a minivan.....sigh. Not that I'm lame. I just want those things because.....ummm...

Beeswax said...

You have totally hit on one of those hot button issues. Most ladies are not wishy washy with their minivan opinions.

I'm mostly a C. I vowed never to drive one, but now my van is the nicest car I've ever had. No DVD, but auto doors and tailgate, black leather, and a place to plug in my ipod. From the INSIDE, it looks like a cool car.

AMY said...

I hate to admit that my minivan was a step up...When we were at ND and needed a second car, David came home with a Honda Accord...Wagon - yes a flipping WAGON! So I became very humbled, so a mini-van was much better! I laughed so hard reading your quiz I had tears rolling. Maybe it's because I can relate way too much! Connor always tells me how his friends minivan's are cooler because they have automatic doors. Once again, I am humbled.

Heidi said...

AJ--Rhett's dream car IS a wagon. Seriously, he dreams about them. I have no idea why.

JustRandi said...

Oh, I have loved my minivan. And now I'm so ready to give it up. But it's been good while it lasted. Especially the cup holders.

Jen said...

We are as yet minivan-less. This post has really opened my eyes. Our car has the occasional french fry under the seat. I think if we had a minivan, I would be between 9 and 13.

Jenny said...

I'm too ADD to actually take the quiz. :) What does that say about me?! :)

BUT, we have a minivan, and I was the wait-till-the-last-possible-minute-to-buy-one kind of mom, got it days before I gave birth to our 3rd. But, I tell ya, I loved it the minute I drove it.

And last week, we had it in to get some body work done, and our rental was an SUV, and there are SO many things I missed.

You've seriously motivated me to go write a post about my minivan.

I'm gonna.

Thing 1 said...

OMgosh U r soo funny! thanx 4 the comment i'll have to try reading that book!

Beck said...

1. C
2. A. I LUV my minivan. It stingeth not.
3. B
4. B. I was never cool, so I'm not going to get all worried now.
5. B. Stupid kids and their stupid booster seats.
That would be a 10. Yay for me!