Saturday, November 22, 2008

Served Up With a Side of Abandonment

Let me say this: No one likes vomit. But you know what's worse than cleaning up your own kids' vomit?

Cleaning up someone else's kid's vomit. I know. Sort of. I didn't actually clean it up, but I gave it the old college try, you know?

It all started when I picked up the little girl in our preschool carpool.

"She's complaining of a sore throat," her mother told me, "but she says she still wants to go to school." So we trundled her in the minivan and then, on the freeway, this sweet little girl loses her lunch. (Or breakfast, but please, is NOW the right time to be picky? With vomit all over?) In my minivan. Have I mentioned that I'm not her mother? And that I have no wipes in my car? And also, that I just kept driving until we got to the preschool?

I finally procured wipes, spray cleaner, etc., only to discover that my totally and completely overactive gag reflex will not physically allow me to clean up another person's child's vomit. Seriously. I was all like, "Okay, Lexie, (retch) I need you to (retch) take this wipe (retch) and wipe off (retch) your hands (retch) because (retch) I can't do it (retch)." Finally, I admitted defeat and called her mom to come and clean it up.

Just for the record, I did manage to get her hands and face clean and her clothes off before her mom came. But it was Herculean, that's all I'm saying.

I took the car to get it shampooed, because the smell was making me (surprise!) gag some more.

When we got home, Jakers had a diaper issue (I would go into detail, but isn't this post already full of bodily fluids? Do you really want more?). Fortunately, the shampooer guy had found a small bag of wipes in some hidden crevice of my van, so I changed his bum right there on the van floor. Then I let him play in the van for a minute while I went and got the garbage cans from the street.

And then Jakers locked himself in my van with my keys inside. And then I begged him to come hit the unlock button, which he did, happily. Unfortunately, he only knows how to lock, the upward movement of the unlock was lost on him. And then I tried to get him to push the buttons on my keys. And then I called a friend to laugh about how awful my day was turning out to be, because you guys, I have priorities.

And then I called Rhett to come home from work and let our twenty-month old out of our van. He only works forty-five minutes away.

And then the water meter man tried to break into my car (he was suspiciously knowledgeable about it) and failed, and then Jakers started to cry because it wasn't fun after thirty minutes to sit in the car.

And then he discovered that he could make the garage door open and close, and he was happily engaged in garage door opening hijinks until his dad finally let him out.

And then I realized that my day was cursed.

The End


Cynthia said...

Sounds like all that happened before what . . . noon? Yikes!

Carol said...

I wish you had called me to talk about it. That would seriously have made my day.

Bryner Family said...

Wow! That would make for a very horrible day for me too. Ugh. Yeah, my own kid's fluids are totally doable (not for my hubby though) but other people's kids? Yeah, I would have just called the mom too. I am so paranoid about locking my 2 & 3 year olds in the car because they'd be buckled into their seats and have no way of trying to unlock the car. I pretty much triple check every time I get out of the car that I either have the keys or that all of the doors are unlocked or I leave one open. Now I'm going to be even more paranoid. Thanks a lot. :) For the laughs.

Heather of the EO said...

Yeah, I'd have to agree. Totally cursed.

janel said...

But it makes for quite the story, right? Is it better to jam those cursed events into one day and be done, or spread them out? I think I'd be insane either way.

shauna said...

Bahaha! Now that was a good post. Thanks for making me laugh. Tho it was not funny at all.

Anonymous said...

It is so good to know things like that happen to other people too! My son locked me out of the house,pre cell phone days, and the car was locked twicw with the engine and air conditioner running, with my husband also 45 min. away at work! Don't think I want to go into the other stuff!

Beck said...

That sounds like an awesome day! Ugh.

JustRandi said...

100% cursed.
I hope today was better!

Sara said...

i am crying for you...okay, i'm laughing a little too.

Jessica G. said...

Sure, the day completely sucked rocks but think of all the blog notoriety! You'll be famous! - but for something really, really gross.

Claire said...

I share the gag reflex with you. Everything makes me gag. One time, I looked at my Gran's feet. I not only gagged, but my entire dinner came back to say hi.

You WERE very brave to at least clean up the girl's face. I couldn't have done it. Maybe for £1million. Maybe.