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Friday, October 10, 2008

My Su-cray!

Years ago, I lived with (as in the roommate "lived with" not the other "lived with") a French girl. She had a charming French accent, an outgoing personality, and three secrets that she really didn't want anyone to know.

I don't know why she told me them. I'm never good at keeping secrets, and because my life is an open book, I tend to think no one else should be ashamed of anything either. Hey, want to know my menstruation cycle? Want to hear all the ins and outs of my last buttocks massage? Want to hear all the gory details of my last ob/gyn appointment?

No? Well, I would have told you.

So, anyway. Frenchie. (Is that derogatory? Sometimes when you try to protect the innocent, you diminish them by giving them a derogatory nickname. And despite having lived in England long enough to pick up a prejudice for nearly ever other European country, I actually don't hate the French. Much.) Anyway, Frenchie. So, Frenchie tells me her secrets. The secrets that she would rather DIE than have anyone find out.

They are:

1) She has an open sore on her head because she can't stop picking at it. It has been there for four years. It's a nervous habit.

2) She has gained a little weight recently, and now wears two bras to try to keep it all up there, if you know what I mean. Oh, do I know what you mean, Frenchie.

3) She wears a girdle. See #2 above for the reason.

Seriously? These are Frenchie's worst secrets? I think I giggled after she told them to me. But then, pretty much for the rest of the time I knew her, I could get her to do whatever I wanted. Whenever we were with other people, I would take my hand and make a fast line from the top of my head to my thighs, indicating head, boobs, girdle. Immediately, Frenchie would say pitifully, "My sucrays!" and suddenly, she'd see things my way.

Because another reason you shouldn't share your secrets with me?

I've got no shame about blackmail.

10 comments:

Claire said...

Yikes... you don't have any dirt on me, do you? :(

At least you're upfront about being lousy at keeping secrets. And anyway - Frenchie's secrets weren't as bad as.... no - I won't tell you.

The Rookie said...

I'm a bit of a "nothing is sacred" kind of gal myself. All things crass/potty humor cracks me up and this possibly contributes to my loose lip.

And can I just say that maybe she should have just looked for a BETTER bra, that open head wound sort of grosses me out (but then, most scab-picking does), and I wore a girdle with skirts until a month ago when I finally got to wear garments because I have a weird thing with my thighs touching.

jennie w. said...

I love my girdle and I would shout that from the rooftops!

How's it going with your Spam and tuna? You'll thank me for this one day!

Heather of the EO said...

I'm curious about the sore? Like, under her hair? I suppose, or it wouldn't really be secret.

She needed a new nervous habit. Cause I'm pretty sure picking at your scalp is pretty gross.

But then again, so is nail-biting and I do that...

Melissa Bastow said...

Does wearing two bras actually work? What if they have to both be nursing bras? I'm kind of thinking that nursing bras wouldn't have the same lifting effect, even in double capacity.

Jen said...

Two bras really work Melissa - especially when playing sports and running. You get laughed at in the locker room, but who cares if it keeps the girls under control, right?

I had a roommate whose big secret was her mustache - and the monthly bleaching of said mustache. Somewhere, someone no doubt still posesses the picture of her during the bleaching process. We too used it as blackmail, so I'm totally with you on this one!

Carol said...

Yeah now I am wishing I had gotten Frenchie rather than the German and Russian.

Heather of the EO said...

WHERE IS YOUR EMAIL? I WANTED TO GO ALL CRAZY POLITICAL ON YOU AND YOU HAVE NO EMAIL LISTED HERE...
FINE.

The Motherboard said...

{{gagging}}

I think I threw up a little in my mouth with that whole open wound on the top of her head... wasn't' she worried about a staff infection or something else way worse? Like bugs or something? GAH!!!

Everyone always tells me their secrets too. Ain't it sweet??

Yvonne said...

Gosh, I don't even need one bra!!! (No blackmailing me--anyone who knows me, knows it ; )