Sunday, April 13, 2008

The O-cult

My old college roommate, Amy, tagged me for an Oprah-esque "Favorite Things" post. While I have never joined the cult of "O", I still find joy in counting how many times she is referenced in casual conversation ("Oh, I saw something about that on Oprah the other day . . ."). At my weekend retreat with my sisters, my sister Ginnie mentioned Oprah about twelve times (hoarding shows, in particular, are Ginnie's favorite). To her credit, she is nursing and claims she only watches it late at night when she's nursing the baby. I have noticed, however, that she's very hard to get hold of between 3:00 and 4:00 daily. I'm sure it's just coincidental.

I have to confess that emergency preparedness has really been on my mind lately. You might notice a theme. The theme might also be due to the fact that I claim no superiority whatsoever in the line of beauty products or fashionable shoes or anything else that would usually make Oprah's list. I mean, I'm still working the same beauty routine that I've worked for like ten years. Not much earth-shattering on that front.

So, if money were no issue, here's what I'd give to all my blog readers:

I would give you all 200 acres of prime agricultural land. Just in case there's a need. And just in case things like ownership matter in a worst case scenario and we haven't all reverted to anarchism.

If we have reverted to anarchism, I want you all to have one of these:

I'm just saying. It used to make me feel a little bit weird when I first got married and Rhett had a gun in our house, since I'd grown up without guns. However, then he shared with me that the gun that he was protecting our home with was so weak that it wouldn't stop any intruder and also shoots wonky so that you would have to aim two feet left of the intruder to actually hit them. This made me feel even more vulnerable, for some reason.

Next up:
Everyone needs a wheat grinder--especially a non-electric wheat grinder. Even if you don't know how to bake bread and don't have wheat, you should still have this. I'm not sure why, but you should. Trust me.

Also, everyone should have these:

The Poor Man's Cow. The goat is a versatile and beautiful animal, prized for it's high milk return with low (ish) hay consumption. Many cultures consider goat meat a delicacy, and there's just nothing better than a little goat cheese. Don't underestimate the importance of livestock to post-apocryphal survival. I mean, sure the males pee into their mouths and lick it all over themselves, but really? The stench is a small price to pay for such intelligent, delightful creatures.

Last but not least:

If there's no electricity, how will the microphones of this world work? THEY WON'T! Can you imagine the tragedy? Who will sing Kenny Rogers (off-key, of course)? Who will sing like a Vegas lounge singer while doing dishes?

Me, folks. I'm tucking this megaphone away for the future. Because some modern comforts I'm just not willing to forgo.


monkie mama said...

Wow Heidi! I am SO glad I made it to THIS show! What fabulous give-aways! Oprah's got nothin' on you!

FYI ~ One of my fabulous college roommates taught me that (should you ever *Gasp* be without microphone)your thumb makes a perfectly acceptable substitute, as long as you belt out the tune loud enough to equal having an actual microphone. Just thought you should know in case a tragic accident happens to your bull horn.

I have to tell you, I heard Mr. Kenny Rogers crooning "You are so beautiful" on the radio the other day. I whipped out my thumb-microphone and belted out the tune in your honor (I know it's not the same as your melodious voice, but it's the thought that counts right?). Long live Kenny!!!

Jen said...

Are you sure you live in Texas and not LaVerkin, UT? Maybe we really are neighbors and didn't know it!

Ashley said...

The land would be nice! Gotta have a place for all the free roaming goats around. If it comes to acutally grinding my own wheat by hand...I am afraid my family will starve. At least we will have the mega-phone to let everyone know how hungry we are.

Carol said...

Thank goodness it was girls retreat keeping you busy and not a newly developed love for cleaning I was starting to think I didn't know you anymore!

We don't get Oprah here anymore....we survive!

The Rookie said...

I love that you used the word "wonky."

And I appreciate the taxes...err gifts. Especially the megaphone. I'm thinking that it is the one item I won't be forking out taxes for as I'll be using it pre-apocolypse in the classroom.

Anonymous said...

I like goat jerky.

bill, katie, and co. said...

I'm still laughing at "wonky" myself. Where in the world did that word come from? I think you'll only need the megaphone. If you were stuck on an island by yourself, I'm sure that's all you'd need. You, the microphone...and Kenny. LOVE IT!

Amy said...

oh my gosh i am laughing so hard at alicia's thumb subsitute of a microphone...awesome!

I love all the give a ways. My favorite has to be the goats...always wanted a goat.

marisa said...

the microphone just topped it off! Thanks for the laugh tonight!

AMY said...

Well, at least you already know how to milk a goat right? Your goat days have paid off!

carl b smith and marilyn said...

You might be able to milk a goat, that doesn't mean your were consistent at it when you had your own goats, Love, your goat milking DAD.