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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dying, dying, dead

So, I'm pretty sick right now. Not just the polite, slight-headache "I am not feeling quite the thing" of the Regency romances (God bless you, Georgette Heyer.), but more of the kind of sick where I just turned to Rhett and said in my hoarse-almost-dying-voice, "Look, if I die, please don't marry so and so." Rhett rolled his eyes, went upstairs to watch football, and left me with a sink of dirty dishes. I agreed to put off dying until the dishes were done, for the sake of my family.

Rhett hates it when I talk about my death as if it were impending (probably because the death rate in his family is seventeen thousand times higher than the death rate in mine), but I just like to know that my wishes will be respected, even when I'm dead.

When we were driving across Louisiana last year, we passed a mausoleum retailer (I have no idea what this line of work is officially called, but just roll with me here) off the freeway, in the middle of nowhere. It put me in mind of a few matters that I needed to discuss with Rhett. Just in case.

"I'd like to be cremated when I die, Rhett." It's true. I would rather be cremated than experience the indignities of embalming. Most Mormons prefer embalming, but I have never been overly concerned with conformity.

"No." Rhett was driving, and he didn't even bother to look over at me.

"No, I'm serious. I want to be cremated."

"No."

"But why? It would be cheaper." I believe that the bottom line is the way to Rhett's heart in almost every instance.

"No."

"But it's what I want." I also believe that Rhett wants to give me my way, all the time.

"So what? You'll be dead. I'll do what I want, for once."

"C'mon, Rhett. You can carry my ashes all over the place with you. You can have them mixed with paint and have an artist draw my portrait with paint that is made of me. So cool!"

"No."

"Why won't you let me be cremated?"

"Fine. I want to be buried in a mausoleum."

"Fine. I'll be cremated, you can have a mausoleum."

"No, wait, I want a crypt."

Sigh. "Okay, Rhett. You can have a crypt."

"Can I have a crypt keeper?"

"NEVER MIND! FINE! EMBALM ME! PUT POKY THINGS UNDERNEATH MY EYELIDS TO KEEP THEM SHUT! DRAIN ALL MY BLOOD AND REPLACE IT WITH EMBALMING FLUID! PUT BAD MAKEUP ALL OVER MY FACE AND LET PEOPLE KISS MY COLD, WAXY CHEEKS! FINE! SEE IF I CARE!"

"No, but really, I want a crypt keeper."

I have decided to put off dying until we can work this matter out. For the sake of my family.

8 comments:

katie and co. said...

I don't think we have those conversations at our house...but I love that you do. :)

Jessica said...

My husband wants to donate his body to science. I don't really care what he does with me after I die, although I've also suggested cremation because it's cheaper. But he has to keep my ashes in a prominent place in the living room or I'll haunt him. Oh, who am I kidding, I'll haunt him anyway or nothing will ever get done around here.

Claire said...

I want to have a huge funeral, with the best casket and the biggest headstone. Basically, I want Robbie to go all out on my deathly needs, so that he'll be stony broke and won't be able to go on a huge golfing holiday with his newfound freedom.

Jillybean said...

Tell him that you're going to hire a fantastically good looking crypt keeper, then you'll visit the crypt often and the crypt keeper will fall madly in love with you.

Melissa Bastow said...

That's hilarious. I was just thinking about this EXACT thing about 3 weeks ago and decided that I want to be cremated and then stored in some fancy granite vase in a crypt. And I don't even mind if the crypt keeper has a hump on his back and drags one of his feet around.

My Life as a Real House Wife said...

I told my husband I wanted a memorial instead of a funeral so everyone could say how cool I was not just 3 people. He wasn't down for that idea.
My husband wants to be stuffed like a animal so he is in the positon of Ronald McDonald is on the benches with his arm out so everyone can take pictures with him at his funeral.

D said...

My Dad wants my sister to sing Send in the Clowns and one other song at his funeral. :)

So off topic...but do you remember when I was student teaching for you and I said that Baz Luhrman(Strictly Ballroom, Romeo+Juliet, Moulin Rouge) would be the perfect director for a movie adaptation of Great Gatsby? Probably not... but I have held that opinion for a long time. And yesterday my sister sent me a link saying that Baz Luhrman had a readthrough of his screenplay adaptation of Great Gatsby in NY with Leo Dicaprio(as Gatsby) and Tobey Maguire(as Nick). Hopefully it will result in a MUCH better movie adaptation than the Robert Redford one.

Jill said...

Heidi-You funny girl! Hope you are far from deaths door we need your humor and love here! Thanks for many a good laughs...your post are cracking me up! Congrats on your position at the local college-COOL!