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Monday, June 28, 2010

Confessional

Tomorrow I will be heading to the movie theater for the "Summer Movie Fun Package of Old Movies Which Have Been Out of the Theaters for Over Two Years Now But We Will Still Play Them for You Anyway Just So You Can Get Out of the Heat (And Buy Candy)". My kids love going to the movies, mostly because we usually never do, so it's a real treat.

As usual, I will be sneaking candy in so I don't buy the overpriced junk there. This is a sin. I know it and you know it. It's dishonest. So is charging $4.00 for a pack of Bottlecaps, though.

I'm hoping that when I get to Judgement, in whatever form it takes, God will look over my list of sins and be all like, "I've got bigger fish to fry, sweetcheeks, so let's make this quick." In these visions I always imagine God as a district attorney or something, and I'm just like the little pawn in a bigger game: the drug mule for the ultra-violent cartel or maybe the victim-prostitute who informs on her pimp. And when the DA (God) offers a deal, I'll take it. I'll squeal on my neighbors who aren't married but are living together. I'll squeal on my other neighbor who lets her kids endanger themselves like on a daily basis. Why, just tonight I noticed that my neighbors had not yet brought in the garbage cans and the HOA rules clearly state that they have to be in by sundown on garbage collecting night.

But then I imagine that God will be like, "Fine, thanks for that information. I appreciate your cooperation. But I'm still going to nail you for swearing. And for believing in evolution. That's fifteen to twenty in the brimstone, baby. With all the people you informed on."

Oh, crap. I'm going to hell, right?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, Heidi, you make me laugh! If all the people who swear and smuggle candy into movie theaters are going to hell, it's going to be pretty crowded. And... I'll see you there.

Kathryn

monkie mama said...

Okay, this cracks me up to no end! "Sweetcheeks"!! Ha! Well, I guess I'll meet you there in the dark abyss! At least if you keep blogging I'll be entertained there. :)

The Rookie said...

I do the same thing. Because it is ridiculous they charge $4.00 for Red Vines when I can get it for 99 cents on sale.

This post (and you) make me laugh!

Jen said...

As daughter of the part-owner of a small local theater I will just say, I did the same thing until I was informed that almost all of the money for movie tickets goes right back to the film makers and the vast majority of money made by local theaters is from concessions. Then I was overwhelmed by guilt.

I only share this because you also made me feel guilty about wearing a diamond ring, purchased in the days of my uneducated innocence. I wonder if I can take it to hell with me. All of these annoying pieces of information are working against my mantra that guilt is actually OPTIONAL.

Maybe we can hang out in hell together. Can't be too different in temperature from Southern Utah in July.