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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Here with Heidi (figuratively) OR Keeping Kenny Away (literally)

So Heidi left with the kids for the week to head to the fun and sun of oceanfront property. Again, I’m not joining them for beach fun and sun due to work and school commitments. No, no—I will not accept your pity because sometimes it’s nice to work until 8pm and not feel that nagging sense of needing to get home to spend time with your family. It makes it easy when your family doesn’t want to spend time with you.

I’m going to let you in on some little gems from living with Heidi day-to-day. I know Heidi is trying to run a family show on this blog, but she’s not here anymore. If this blog post were a TV show, it would have a rating of HYTGTBE for “Hell yes there’s going to be expletives!” and PKRSC for “Possible Kenny Rogers sexual content” and OSYWC for “Obama says ‘Yes we can!’ ”. If you are offended by expletives, talk of possible sexual conduct, or Obama, then go to Hell!

Let’s discuss Kenny Rogers......although I know that Heidi loves me dearly because I’m such a wonderful husband, I also know that Kenny Rogers is the only man that Heidi would leave me for. In fact, every day when I arrive home from work, I put my keys in the lock in the front door and try to jiggle the keys just enough for fair warning to produce the, “Hey, I’ve got my key in the lock and I’m coming inside in a split second so Heidi if you are in here in the heat of passion with Kenny you better cover up or run away naked” noise. You can imagine my relief when I walk in and find Heidi sitting alone, reading quietly, on the couch, without Kenny—no passion, no infidelity, no home wrecking. Upon finding Heidi not in the heat of passion with Kenny, I can immediately wipe away the moist beads of sweat forming on my brow with relief and thank God for another successful day keeping Kenny away.

Let’s discuss the, “It’s upstairs”……..Come on Heidi! We’ve been married long enough that if you don’t know where something is located, then just say it. I’m certain that every misplaced child or possession that we own is not upstairs. I bought this crap for the first couple of years but now I know that you are just feeding me a line. For the sake of all that is holy and dear, if you’ve lost something, then just say it. Let us practice—“It’s lost!” There—that wasn’t too bad was it? One more time now, all together—“My wedding ring is lost!” See that wasn’t too difficult was it? One last time because good things come in threes (like the trinity or the Back to the Future trilogy or the number of dollars in our checking account)—“My cell phone is lost!” I feel better already, don’t you?

And last but certainly not least by any statistically significant measure (gotta love the p-value. Wait, maybe it’s the f-value? Both maybe?……I was never very good at statistics anyway)…

Let’s discuss you Piles…..oops! Sorry Heidi—I let your little secret slip!!! I know that this might be a little embarrassing for you, and not the best forum to reveal this little secret, but I figure that there might be others who are suffering with the same issues. It’s not easy to discuss such a private matter in public, but it’s not right to have to suffer with hemorrhoids alone either. I’m not talking about hemorrhoids people, but the little piles of stuff or junk or garbage or clothes or kids that Heidi loves to leave lying around the house. In fact, I’ve spent the better part of this morning de-piling. Much like Preparation H Cream sooths real rhoids, I am the balm for Heidi’s piles. I don’t know how all these little landmines pop up but it is really starting to make me uncomfortable and sweaty….I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Despite these little (and by little I mean major) idiosyncrasies, I’m still here with Heidi. In fact, we recently celebrated our nine-year wedding anniversary. What did we do to celebrate you ask? Olive Garden? The Cheesecake Factory? Oh, no—much too romantic and clearly not expensive enough considering the $3 in our checking account. To celebrate properly I sat at home, alone, on the couch, in my underwear, watching PBS. Where was Heidi you ask? Heidi had class that night and was on campus until late. She did however bring me home a new 3-piece set of anniversary luggage! Who knew that the nine-year anniversary is the luggage anniversary? I can’t wait for the thirteenth-year anniversary when I’ll get new tires on my car! Oh, wait—the new-tires-on-car anniversary is actually the first-year anniversary—sorry Heidi! However, I digress……

Despite these little (and by little I mean major) character flaws, I still love Heidi. After nine years of marriage it is clear to me, now more than ever before, that I love Heidi because of these character traits. They are not simply endearing quirks but represent who Heidi is—and I love who Heidi is. As our lives become more and more connected and intertwined, I can’t think of anyone who I would rather be with (go to Hell Kenny!). Heidi is a strong, dynamic, and intelligent woman who has much to offer those around her and especially me. I have been fortunate to participate in her kindness, grace, humor, and lack of humility when it comes to her profession—I think you’re the best damn teacher as well Heidi! You don’t have to keep telling me—I agree with you! Heidi, I don’t care that you twice tried to break my neck a week ago—first by sitting on me and wrenching my head back—and then by karate chopping my windpipe when I wasn’t looking. I’m still here loving you, vacuuming around your piles, and waiting for your return from the beach. Please don’t let our children drown in the ocean.

12 comments:

Sarah Anne said...

Could you call my husband and chat?

This is awesome.

ambsace said...

having been subject to the process, i can confirm that heidi is, indeed, the "best damn teacher" ever. maybe we should start a wikipedia article.

Heidi said...

You, Rhett, should start your own blog.

I love you. Despite this wicked character assassination you just engaged in.

And the wedding ring is just misplaced.

Melanie J said...

This.is.hysterical.

Although I'm married to Kenny. Not THAT Kenny, but a Kenny and I'm also really glad Heidi is not in the heat of passion with him. You know, ever.

Heather of the EO said...

hmmm, interesting little tidbits. They really do make Heidi even more likable, no?

You're funny stuff, Rhett!

Jen said...

Rhett, you're pretty funny and I'm impressed even though I've never met you. I would like to let you know that Heidi was in love with KR in high school, so rest well in the fact that he came first (but have you seen his plastic surgery- scary!). Good job!

Claire said...

I'm still laughing too much to type properly... hahahaha...

It's ok to lose/misplace/forget about wedding rings. They WILL turn up. Usually not long after the 9 year anniversary... True story.

Heidi. Please let Rhett write more.

Katie Irion said...

Oh geez Rhett, these Irions are loving your post. Yup, Ricky is laughing along with me and wants to say "hi." Are you sure you're not into moving to Wisconsin, living the big life with all the cheese and beer you could ever ask for? We could go to Brewers game. Too tempting, I know. Well, we love your blog and I adore your wife. In all honesty, this was super, super cute. Keep up the good work.

Carol said...

Rhett. I love it!

It still makes me warm and fuzzy inside that you 2 got married!

You totally deserve each other and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Anonymous said...

As I was reading your comments I first thought that you would be dead when Heidi came home or that she would edit your post from the closest internet cafe to the beach that she is visiting. But now I see that she has commented on your blog post. It is good to see that your marriage is stronger than ever after all this time. By the way the proper gift to give when you get to your ten year anniversary is an IOU (meaning IOU a better gift when we can afford it). I know because I used it earlier this year.

Justin

Celia and Scott said...

Holy crap -- we have three MAJOR things in common:

Lost wedding ring? CHECK!

Prone to pileage? DOUBLE CHECK!

Secret love for Kenny Rogers? CHE--wait, maybe only two major things in common.

jh said...

Oh, that made me laugh. Thanks for brightening my day. I read it to my husband and his eyes got big and he started nodding as if--sob--he weren't so alone in the world. Piles are good by the way, better than nothing at all...

jen
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