Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Happy Days Are Here Again

Well. For the last three weeks I have suffered (suffered!) with a state of depression. But depression really seems like too mild of a phrase for the way I felt. It is more like I was sucked into a black hole of helplessness, hopelessness and anxiety, and then someone had the nerve to also pull out all my toenails and fingernails, too. Just to add to the misery.

I did not answer my phone, no matter how much I love you. Because at that moment, you were a weight around my neck and I was really trying hard not to drown in this black hole of crappiness, so I couldn't be bothered to, you know, exchange pleasantries and say stuff like, "Oh, hey. How are you?"

I did get my kids to school. I got them dressed. I fed them breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All without ever really looking at them! I fed my baby a bottle while staring off into space instead of looking into his truly gorgeous face like I usually do.

(On the funnier side, my mother-in-law, on hearing that I was feeling "a little bit down" asked, "Is it because all your friends are South Korean?")

But, I turned a corner last week. This morning I fed my baby his bottle and looked into his eyes the whole time. I drove my kids to school without having to pull over to cry. I fed them breakfast without having to retreat to my room because why are they talking to me?

Anyway. There's not a real point to this story, except to omit this period in my life makes me feel a little bit dishonest (not that I am against a little dishonesty in life--sorry, Mel! Remind me sometime to tell you all about Mel. She's amazing. And she's one of my former students, so I take complete credit for her life. That's pretty much how I work. How dare you bring up my drug dealing former students! How rude!)

So anyway. The point, which is not a point, not even close to a point, is that I was depressed. I feel better now, but I thought you should know it's not all Barbie sing-alongs (hmm, maybe the origin of depression? Must consider.) and beach trips. Also, my house is a disaster.

And I am still awesome.


elesa said...

All right. I know you don't know me and my unsolicited comments are a little annoying, but I just like you. I have felt awful lately and worst of all I have felt bad about feeling awful. Like I'm not allowed to. Cuz everyone else is the world is doing fine, so what right do I have to be depressed? So, anyway, just nice to know that I am not the only one. Thanks.

Mel said...

Ah! Thank you for two things:
1. Remembering who I am. Still surprises me that you do.
2. Talking about depressive phases so openly. Especially the part about not being able to really look at your children - because that is something I relate to, and it's nice to know someone else out there does as well.

Claire said...

Yeah... I think I'm in depressed-ville. I'll send a postcard.

Prolly not though.


D said...

I hear ya! Glad you are on the up side of things again. I think I'm getting there- as long as we can keep the boogers to a minimum for at least two weeks.

You are awesome!

Melissa Bastow said...

So what happens when someone has this week frequently? Or like, every week? Or at least 3 weeks out of every month? I'm just know, for a friend. 'Cause I'm always super happy/peppy/perfect and all that crap. So super happy/peppy/perfect, in fact, that I don't just look babies with bottles in the eye, I stare down all of my children while they eat.

Jen said...

Thanks for the full disclosure. I am glad your Barbie sing along hangover is temporarily at bay.

Leisha Mareth said...

I pretty much love your guts for this one.