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Friday, March 27, 2009

What I THOUGHT I Taught My Kids

For the most part I think I work pretty hard to teach my kids good things. You know, they say "pardon" when they let it rip, they (usually) say thank you if you do something nice for them, and they believe we are all family in God's eyes (Veevs loves to remind me that in God's family I'm just her sister, not her mommy.)

But every once in a while they do things that make me wonder if I have actually been raising them in a barn without somehow knowing it.

Last week we went to Spe's soccer game. He loves soccer, and has started throwing elbows to keep the other kids away from the ball. Anyway, at the end of the game, Rhett and I were chasing our other kids (oh, fine, I was talking to some of the other moms) when we realized Spe was gone. I assumed he was in the video arcade, but no.

You guys.

He was just outside of the front door. Peeing. On the ground. Shamelessly peeing in full view of, well, just about anyone.

WHA? Imagine our deep shame when the front desk guy at the soccer club was all like, "Hey, is this your kid? Because he was outside taking a whiz."

Imagine, too, my embarrassment when we had to walk past the still visible puddle of urine on our way out.

Obviously, we've still got some work to do.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Am I Weird?

I don't want to implant negative thoughts in your head about me (hey, too late, Heids--should've thought about that about 240 posts ago), but lately I think I might be weird (lately? What's taken so long?). And also that I might overuse parenthetical expressions (this one's just for illustrative purposes).

A few things:

My favorite piece of punctuation is the semi-colon. All that sentence-connecting power in one little symbol gets me a little excited. Should any sane person even have a favorite piece of punctuation?

I went to my friend's house who just had surgery and had to sit down because I saw some bloody gauze. I got all light-headed and woozy. Obviously, I'm still regretting the fact that I chose teaching over nursing.

I can't seem to stop singing the soundtrack to Magic Tree House: The Musical--and I don't want to brag but I switch back and forth between the man's part and the woman's part with great skill. I mean, if staying on tune isn't really important, of course.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm getting a migraine, and I promised myself that I would post tonight. Must. Pound. Caffeine. Pills. Immediately.

But really, weird, right?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Try Waking Your Spouse Up This Way

Every summer, my mom would pack all eight of us in the Suburban and drive us to Utah to visit her family. The drive was about six or seven hours, and we generally covered all the luggage with sleeping bags and slept for at least four hours.

Except for when we didn't and then we fought like feral cats.

One time my little sister Lindsey was asleep and everyone else was awake. So my brother Josh started stroking her face gently with his fingertips.

In a falsetto voice, he said, "Child. Sweet, prophetic child. You're in heaven now."

Because his goal here was to convince her that she had died and gone to heaven.

"Shut up, Josh!"

Apparently, she wasn't convinced.

Either that, or she thought Jesus wouldn't mind that kind of talk in heaven.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Breaking Silence

Hey! Long break, right? I know I should have a good excuse like pregnancy or divorce or menopause, but I don't. Wait. Is laziness a good excuse? Because if it is, that's my excuse. For everything.

While I was gone, did anybody do anything awesome?

Here's what I did:

Laundry
Dishes
Crafts with kids (Oh, you guys, I have budding artists! If you saw what my kids can do with cupcake liners, you'd be SOOOO jealous. You get the sarcasm, right?)
Nap
Girls' Retreat to Las Vegas with my sisters
Doctor Appointments

Jakers broke his leg today? yesterday? a week ago? It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but the splint went on today. I'm sure CPS will be calling any time. The doctor looked at me a little funny when I couldn't tell him how it happened. In my defense, it's a teeny tiny fracture.

Rhett chipped his front tooth and he now looks like his name should be Abner. Either that or Jeb. Also, maybe we should plant corn in the backyard and leave a car in the front yard to rot. But don't think I don't find him as attractive as the day I married him, because man, what's not to love about jagged teeth?

Veevs announced that she would like to have a birthday party themed entirely around unicorns. Unicorns that fly and are purple. And then I puked (but not in a pregnancy way).

Spe announced that he would no longer like to wear any kind of underwear, whatsoever. I purposely misunderstood and said that I would buy him a larger size since he is feeling uncomfortable in his current underwear. He insists it's commando or nothing. Wait, that's the same thing, isn't it? Commando? Nothing? Get it?

Wow. I bet you thought I saved up all this great material for my triumphant return to blogging, didn't you? Were you wrong or what! I'm still dishing out the kind of subpar family crap that I'm famous for! Or not famous for, at all, in any way.

Anyway. What's new with you?